Honesty

As I watched Mark walk through the garage this morning I had a thought that won't leave me. He was taking Bryce to town to run some errands, and getting into his truck, and the kids had left their bikes all over the place. So it was somewhat of an obstacle course to get to his truck. And just watching him, and trying to move the bikes, and worrying about him falling, and yet not wanting him to know how worried I am, I had the thought- I have to acknowledge the possibility that he may lose this battle with ALS and be taken from me. I never really believed it until now. We looked at each other when he sat in his truck and I wonder if he was thinking the same thing. That is not to say I have lost hope, but I just had a feeling that the course of our lives is not something we can always control. We have seen so many specialists and he is taking so many supplements, drinking special water, wearing magnets on his feet. And yet it seems that his condition is slowly and steadily deteriorating, in spite of our best efforts. And I ask myself the question I have been pushing out of my mind. How could the Lord need him more than I do? More than his four little boys? I have thought that it may not be that the Lord needs him, but that through this trial we will become better people, more fit to live with Him someday. Perhaps Mark is meant to touch the lives of others and this is the best way. I know God loves us and is aware of our needs. It may sound strange, but now, more than ever, I know that He loves me. He loves me enough to let me suffer and grow. He wants us to come to him. But oh, can't I learn the lesson and still keep my husband? Yes, of course we will be together forever, I know that too. I have been comforted so many times lately and felt assured that this just a chapter in our lives. I am deeply grateful for Mark's unfailing faith and example. And to everyone who has prayed with us and for us and helped us in so many ways. Thank you. I have never felt so blessed.